poptartmafia's Blog

Im tired. Im tired of the undesirable want for you to feel the same way i do. Im sick. Im sick of letting myself be so vulnerable for disaster.  Every days the same. nothings changes, but yet never stops flowing  just like the blood in your veins   So tell me..can you feel the blood rushing through your body? Can you feel my helplessness? I know you can see it. I watched you see, but yet you Realize nothing.

I dream of your kisses, my heart beats faster as it tried to paint my love for you on your heart.  The desiring feeling of  wanting. I looked up at you with my almost black eyes hoping maybe that some of the Blue and green from yours would shine through to mine. You possess me as if ive been sitting in hell for years, with not a damn reason other than but to get burnt. Ive sold my soul to the Devil, and your in control of my pain and suffering. You smile at my inpatientness, but i laugh inside knowing there are way more virtues than that. We look at each other and i sigh in almost a wisper, because i know that your a free soul, which makes me forever wishing i could fly like you. One day ill be able to take everything in at once, as if i never took anything in at all... It will engulf my mind and heart just like the flames in the towers who killed my friends best friends. It flows with infinite abundance, it is free, and fills up all the empty space between. It can not be divided, or limited in any fucking way. Your love is like fire. and you are my flame. Anyone who trys to put us out, will get knocked out. In every poetic way.

You twisted my class ring i gave you, circling it around your left finger as I contemplated our future, my movements paralleling the brutal twisting within my heart.  I didn’t cry.  Not yet.  I knew  from the first moment my tear fell down my face I wouldnt give up on you. Something inside me told me these cruel feelings of neglect would fade in time, and if not fade, they gave me somewhat of hope that i could pick myself up off the floor and try again.  Suddenly she was there with me. I smelt her scent like you do when you are least expecting it, an unmistakable female scent of Beauty and Betrayal..  It wasn’t overwhelming enough to mention it to her, though it was strong, and i kept my mouth shut for fear of the thoughts she could be capable of just wasnt ready for my own head.   She was someone i never expected to be in my presence.. I let her scent roll over me, eyes closed, as I pictured her lips on mine.   I reached out to hug her and she  was there to tighten up the grip.. She was really there, not just simply in my dreams but my eyes allowed me to see.  Our company rejoiced together as our tongues danced the rhythmic dance of two who feel for each other, two people in love. My body reacted to hers as she pulled me closer to her heart. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her shoulders as she stood there holding my feelings and breath. I said I love you while we kissed, It seemed as if i said it right into her open mouth. she let me know she cared by kissing me deeply and urgently. No words were needed between us because we have this connection that supersedes time and space.  As she held me there, kissing me passionately, I knew in that moment that I would wait for her no matter where she goes , no matter who she becomes, or how cruel she can be. I will forever be, and will Never be alone again.

 

lol, i just needed to post this on my blog real quick so i dont forget to write about me experiencing being a lesbian, and going to church, being part of a youth group that a lot of peoples parents did not approve of me being a part of, I somewhat broke up one single church into to two, two groups, the people who were for me, and the people who where for Gods OLD law.....the group for me ended up taking me and themselves down the street, to the "EPIC OF LIFE" church to get away from all the hate towards me.  the people who were for me, and the people who where for God. and in Gods eyes, IN THE OLD TESTAMENT, I SAID OLD,,,Homosexuality is a sin. My youth pastor loved me, and when the churches ass of people in charge told my pastor they would not allow me to be baptized in their church, he invited me to his house, and baptized me himself, in his own pool. and gave me an awesome get together with all my friends. but with this story comes a lot of emotions , feelings, and descriptions im not up to express tonight, so ill just save it for some other time.

Today is Monday, and i have to work at three, till close. I dont mind working, at all, i like the little bit of money i can call my own.. but Its mind blowing to see how getting older can change every way a person can think, but i guess that's growing up. Sometimes it for the better, others, not to good.  Its painful to see other young people like me working half ass jobs, or busting there ass for a dollar over minimum wage.  Education is a very important necessity, if you plan on living in comfort but sometimes having the education means nothing. Its all about how you communicate with other people, The people who can let you into how to get where they are. how you carry yourself, and most importantly, the people you know. So basically  there's more than one ways to build yourself up. You can build your way up on the job you like, but building yourself up on people first may be smarter way to go about doing things..


I like to title all my stories and post, after i write them...If I title my writings before i actually write them then i would just try to write strictly on the topic of the title. and not let myself think about all the things that come with the topic, why the topic is, I dont really drift my thoughts from one to another easily that way, or really in any way as i may appear to be. i am a scatter minded human being, with hopes of trying to express myself, in words, to no one who knows me, but myself, and all of you. So thank you for reading my post and stories, you guys on here are the reason im writing.